Tiger Forced To Give Ex-Boo Damn Near A Billion

What initially started as the most humiliating case of side-booing in sports history, has now turned into the most expensive case of side-booing in sports history. Tiger Woods’ former Boo Elin Nordegren, has finalized her divorce from the greatest thing to happen to golf since grass, and is set to make somewhere between $750-$800 mill…for 6 years of marriage. WTF?!?!?

For $800 mill, I probably would have let Tiger skeet in me and tried to have a kid like Schwarzenegger did in “Junior,” and probably wouldn’t have tried to divorce dude after finding out about his numerous side-Boos. It would have settled for a multi-million dollar forgiveness gift. Nordegren made out like a fat rat, for basically providing a solid meat pocket for smashing and some long term babysitting. And for all of her troubles she is hitting the ultimate jackpot.

Nordegren doesn’t wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad anymore, because in just a few short years with some savvy investing, she should top the 10 figure mark. Ain’t no side-koochie good enough to be worth that much, but if there is, i’ll have 2 please.

Nordegren also gets custody of both of the kids and Tiger isn’t allowed to let the kids meet any of his future legitimate Boos, unless he puts a ring on it.

Let this be a lesson to all you men and women that are caking and think that you’ve found true love…you better holler “I Want Prenup!”

South Park Joins The Clown Tiger Woods Bandwagon

The good folks at South Park kicked off their 14th season in typical fashion, attempting to mock the whole Tiger Woods scandal and the story circulating around the globe about what really happened when Tiger crashed his Escalade on Thanksgiving Night. Normally when South Park choses to mock the mainstream it is pretty funny, but in this case the Tiger bashing was pretty whatevs. Maybe it’s because they are a little tardy to the party with trying to bring up stuff that has been clowned to death already.

Check out the opening segment from South Park’s season premiere after the jump…

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Tiger Woods To Make Comeback At Masters In April

So the moment that we have all been waiting for has finally arrived, Tiger Woods is finally ready to make his next move his best one and return to the PGA Tour for the 2010 Masters, April 8-11 at Augusta National Country Club. Even though he has been out of the game for a minute, dealing with these side boo shenanigans, Tiger has ample time to prepare and should be ready to continue right where he left off, serving fools like a corner boy. Besides the Masters was his first career major win, but too bad Fuzzy Zoeller’s old ass won’t be there talking heat and fueling Tiger’s fire. Tiger released the following statement on his website Tuesday:

The Masters is where I won my first major, and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I’m ready to start my season at Augusta.

The major championships have always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, I think Augusta is where I need to be, even though it’s been awhile since I last played.

I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy, and I am continuing my treatment. Although I’m returning to competition, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life.

When I finally got into a position to think about competitive golf again, it became apparent to me that the Masters would be the earliest I could play. I called both Joe Lewis and Arnold Palmer and expressed my regrets for not attending the Tavistock Cup and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. I again want to thank them both for their support and their understanding. Those are fantastic tournaments, and I look forward to competing in them again.

I would also like to thank the Augusta National members and staff for their support. I have deep appreciation for everything that they do to create a wonderful event for the benefit of the game.

Tiger Woods Hires Ari Fleischer To Repair Image

Tiger Woods has that long paper, way more than enough to switch lanes in a ferrari of jaguar screaming “money ain’t a thang,” but instead he has chosen to spend his dough enlisting the services of George W. Bush’s Press Secretary Ari Fleischer aka the purveyor of fine propaganda. Choosing to hire Fleischer is a great move by whoever is making the decisions in Tiger’s camp, but probably should have been made a few months ago, or at least before the infamous speech public statement last month. It’s never easy making the return from mildew to barbecue, but squares like Fleischer can make a pile of boo boo smell like roses.

After his move into the private sector, Fleischer started the consulting firm Ari Fleischer Sports Communications, which specializes in helping members of the sporting world during a media crisis. Fleischer helped Mark McGwire tackle his steroid controversy and the Green Bay Packers during the 2008 season, when they were in the forefront of the Brett Favre debacle. After getting dropped from Gatorade a few weeks ago, Tiger stepped his game up and stopped slacking on his proverbial pimping as Fleischer can basically perform the Jedi mind trick on the mainstream media. With a return to golf on the horizon, Woods needs to be mentally and physically prepared for the circus that awaits, and Fleischer has the ‘ism to get him ready like spaghetti.

Whilst I understand the need for Tiger to make a move like this, unlike the squares, The Chaser has never bashed the man for having too many decent to moneyable side boos. If Tiger was smashing a bunch of wackness, then we would have felt sorry for him and really believed that it was a sex addiction. After a thorough inspection of all of Tiger’s side boos, minus a few with grissues, all are worthy of getting the anaconda. Tiger probably still has a lot of explaining to do to his real boo Elin Nordegren, but that is between them, even though those with thirst will do their best to keep the world abreast of the situation every step of the way.

Haterade: Tiger Woods Gets Dropped By Gatorade

After giving something like a heartfelt public address less than 2 weeks ago it appeared that Tiger Woods was on the verge of getting his marketability mojo back, after acknowledging that he was thirsty for decent-to-dime side boos. Sadly, Tiger’s mojo took a bit hit Friday when Gatorade announced that they were joining Accenture and AT&T as major brands to sever ties with what use to be their bottom beezy.

Whilst being thirsty isn’t an uncommon attribute for any dude, Tiger was able to capitalize on his thirst with the ultimate aphrodisiac–cheese. It probably didn’t help that he was mashing the really lighter shade of brown, which incites saltiness in an underestimated amount of “haters” across the globe. All I’m saying is if Tiger was banging fat black chicks, people wouldn’t be tripping as hard.

On the bright side, both Nike and Gillette (temporarily not rolling until the block cools down) have decided to keep breaking bread with Tiger, who is due for one of those comebacks that America is known for (see Kobe, Manny Ramirez). All it will take is a few wins and he will be welcomed back with open arms. Only losers don’t recover from a setback like this.

Gatorade’s statement on dropping Tiger Woods after the jump…

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It’s A Damn Shame What They Did To Tiger Woods

Now if Tiger had raped a girl (aka taking the cookie), or contracted the HIV then a public statement like this may have been necessary, but a man should never have to apologize to the world for trying to get his nut. Even if said dude is already with boo. It’s the primary reason that we are on this Earth, to procreate, reproduce and get that solid nut that can make a bad day go away. Tiger’s public address Friday wasn’t necessary, but it was appreciated as it finally gave all those out there waiting to hear from the legend some closure. Unfortunately for all those people salty that the majority of Tiger’s side boos were Becky’s (white), this closure will never come.

Some people are salty at Tiger’s scripted speech, in front of friends, family and a few down for the cause members of the media, but you have to at least give him an ‘A’ for effort. This speech would have been better served a few months ago, but odds are that Tiger was waiting for ALL of his side boos (aka whores) to come out of the woodwork. It would have sucked if he made this statement and then 10 more beezies came out saying that he was smashing, it would have made him look even worse. But with most, if not all of his jump-offs accounted for, Tiger and his people felt like this was a good time to come back like Pimpin’ Snooky.

I guess Tiger figured once nearly two dozen of his side boos came out, that the damage had pretty much been done, even if a few more stragglers come out and claim that he was smashing their cake’s as well. If you have damn near a billion dollars, then you should be allowed to have a solid stable of ladies ready and willing to satisfy your needs at your mercy. The only people that Tiger owes an apology to are his boo, her mama and his kids. After that he should have cut the deck.

We can’t wait for Tiger to make a come back like cooked crack, as if it ever left.

Tiger Woods Featured In Vanity Fair With Prison Pic

It’s a cold game out there. Just when the Tiger shenanigans were beginning to tone down just a tad, Vanity Fair decided to clown tiger on the cover of their February issue with a picture of the golf legend looking something like a convict pumping iron and rocking the upscale beanie. Tiger definitely is trying to do the old school suck-in, but it makes it look like he just got shanked in dinning hall. What a way to start the celebration Black History month, apparently LeBron wasn’t a worthy candidate for the cover.

Tiger Woods Wins AP Athlete Of The Decade

Despite his recent transgressions, Tiger Woods was named the AP Athlete of the Decade, after dominating golf like no one before him, making the game relevant to the masses. Woods has won 12 majors this decade and also has 64 tournament wins in his career, so his selection really shouldn’t come as that big of a shocker because who else you know that has done it like him?

Woods edged out Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer, Michael Phelps and Tom Brady in one of the most watered-down lists in recent memory. You mean to tell me that Kobe Bryant couldn’t crack the Top 5? If the vote was based merely on contribution to sport, then Bryant should be somewhere amongst this largely square contingent. Not too mention some courtesy love for LeBron. In reality Phelps should have won the award because his dominance in swimming is on par on superior to Tiger’s in golf. And he smokes them tweed and gets loose of that goose, something like a Jack square.

For those that think this vote must have been taken before Thanksgiving, it wasn’t. Voting began in November and a majority of the ballots were cast following Tiger’s infamous car accident and side-boo ambushing. Congrats go out to Woods for winning this dubious distinction, garnering 56 of 142 total votes. Armstrong came in a distant 2nd with 33 total votes.

Tiger might also be the athlete with the must side-hoes in the 2000’s. The term “juggling” doesn’t even begin to describe the amount of cakes that Woods was mashing, as it is generally limited to a 3 side-ho maximum.

In honor of Tiger’s selection, one of his sickest commercials after the jump…

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