Former Gators Weed Habit Hurts Him At Draft

Former Florida tight end Aaron Hernandez saw his draft stock plummet last week after being labeled risky, due to alleged drug issues involving the sweet cheeba. Hernandez was graded as high as a late 1st-rounder, after balling out with the Gators during his junior season. Unfortunately after information was disclosed about Hernandez’s love for that turtle (it’s green and makes you move slow), including the revelation that he failed at least one drug test in college, many teams backed off of arguably the best pass-catching tight end in the draft. In need of some talent at the position, Bill Belichick decided that it would be worth the risk to give Hernandez a chance, selecting him in the 4th round.

If a guy is labeled “risky” because of weed issues, there are several teams that automatically have to eliminate said player from their draft board, because they play in cities known to have that Super-Duper Fire. Some of the more notable teams include the Seahawks, 49ers, Raiders, Chargers, Cardinals, Cowboys, Texans, Falcons, Dolphins, and Buccaneers, who all play in areas known to carry that Good, at affordable prices to boot.

The Patriots decision to pick Hernandez makes a lot of sense. Every since Boston George got locked up New England-area cheeba has been wacker than the Rams, which should dissuade Hernandez from toking up, at least until the offseason. Via Boston Globe

Going In On Jeremy Mayfield…

Do you know what this man Jeremy Mayfield is out there doing right now? This dude is a meth head that’s taking on NASCAR and winning. He failed a drug test on May 9th for using the meth and when NASCAR tried to suspend him indefinitely, he took them to court and got the judge to lift the suspension.

Fast forward to now. NASCAR is saying he failed another drug test this month on July 6th. And Jeremey is claiming that NASCAR spiked it so he would test positive, so he sent some of his piss to another lab that shows no trace of meth.

What?! You can do that…

That’s like saying all the dudes in the League fail drug tests because the piss man spikes it with THC. Crazy right, well so is Mayfield’s claim. And his own (step) momma say he’s on that ‘ish and mom’s don’t lie, but then again he did call her a whore.

But, if he wins this case and punks NASCAR, we will have no respect for them anymore. They would have lost to a meth head, so how could you.

Stuff Athletes Hate…

#1 DRUG TESTS

Preface

The world has oh so many lists focused on the things that people like (mainly White people), so we decided it was time to flip the script and deliver a comprehensive list of stuff that athlete’s hate. Its time to keep it real and analyze the things that make your favorite sports stars salty. So without further ado we present the #1 thing that athletes hate–drug tests..

This was an obvious choice, even non-athletes that work in fields like insurance, used car sales and the burgeoning yogurt-by-the-ounce industry deal with this nuisance. For those of you that have never had to take an actual drug test before here is a quick rundown of what you could expect … basically you go into a bathroom with a Doctor of the same sex who physically watches you drop your trousers, pull out your wanker and/or vagine and evacuate into a very small cup until you produce a suitable amount of tinkle juice (it’s important to note that about 30% of all athletes who participate in drug tests end up spilling an undesirable quantity of urine on themselves).

After you fill the cup, the Doctor proceeds to take your urine from you and test a small sample to make sure that your piss isn’t too watery, that’s scientifically speaking. If your piss passes the initial testing then you are free to leave, if not, you have to keep tinkling until your pee is worthy like Big Game James. You are only notified if you fail the test, which basically means you wait in limbo for a few weeks, praying for your phone not to ring. Its kinda like dealing with the police even when you’re innocent, always a little sketchy.

The WORST part about drug tests is that for the most part they are random and generally come at the most inopportune times, like when you are testing out some new cream substance that rips you up like the Incredible Hulk, or right after you planned your annual cocaine binge-fest with your homies in the Hollywood Hills.

Naturally if your an athlete that likes to consume banned substances regularly, drug tests are more disappointing than this year’s World Series. But even if your tinkle is cleaner than Vinny Chase’s driving record, there is never anything exciting about letting a creepy old head watch you do that which was meant for your own privacy. It is one of the most demoralizing things on the face of the earth.

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